Parent as Coach session 4
PAC SESS 4PAC Sess 4 HANDOUTS-compressed
SESS 4 HANDOUTSPAC Sess 4 HANDOUTS-compressed
With others’ words, we conjure mental images that change the way we feel and act. The mediator for this is usually a feature of executive function. The self regulation of our thinking and acting.
To do this, our “emotional” network will take in the information, process in reference to our “emotional experience” or memory, and create a motivational response, either towards or away. As our “emotional memory” is by nature vague and fast, we have the fore mentioned mediator in the form of our “attentional” network.
The “attentional” network involves close focus where more detail is added while at the same time the “emotional” network is turned down. With this new information and perspective, (including an awareness of intent and benefit) the new “story” is directed back to the emotional network to rewrite the script and change our response (motivation).
The challenge with ADHD is that easy access to the “attentional” network is inconsistent. The result being a bias towards “emotional” network processing and reactive responses often related to our more negative past experiences. Without the easy access to the “attentional” mediator, the power of words hit our most sensitive memories and trigger painful and reactive responses. Worse still, these emotional experiences can be very difficult to move on from, colouring the way in which we see the world and those around us.
The opportunity is to consider languages role in regulating our emotions and how profoundly they can influenced the focus of attention. Lisa Feldman Barrett describes in her book “How Emotions Are Made”, this relationship between an emotional experience (or motivational experience), trigger/s, and the energy. To extend this model to incorporate executive function, it is interesting to propose the application of Barrett’s “energy” to effective executive function.
This then would read as:
> a trigger
> stimulating emotional referencing (fast, imprecise, protective response) which with the right executive function resourcing would then
> create inhibition of reaction,
> redirection to attention,
> processing of detail, and
> recreation of perception and a new “emotional” context or story
> resulting in a different response.
So enters self directed talk. Pre-learned language strategies that create a reality supportive to allowing this cascade of reason to happen. People with ADHD often present has having few or poorly formed self directed talk but have the potential to develop it as adults. Simple directions such as “take a deep breathe”, “ she means well”, “I need to take a moment” or even “toilet break!” can create enough of a pause in processing to allow easier inhibition of emotional reaction and facilitate the cascade of reason.
A language strategy that I use with clients involves the acronym SOLVE. When ruminating and stuck in the emotional mental loop, we engage the SOLVE:
- S – STOP! Take a breath, change your position (move!)
- O L – Objectively List – state what you positively know – no assumptions or presumptions!
- V – Verbalise – turn it into words. By keeping it in your head you lose much of the impact of language. Say it out loud. What you know and what next.
- E – Exit the loop – move on to another activity or positive action.
This simple language strategy helps break emotional thinking and introduces the attentional thinking and in turn the changes the experience. So to quote many a mother, “ Use your words!”
Love is like a box of chocolates: Sorry Forrest Gump for massaging your quote. I couldn’t resist taking this photo. and reflecting on what love is, how it is, and how it can be a huge part of “happiness” but also “gratitude” All so tightly bound.
Love can be sweet and delicious and be embraced for a short time or savoured for a long time. It might end up differently to what you thought it might be, and not to your taste, and you can finish love. Like chocolate. Love can be in different forms, your soul mate, your children, your friends. You can love spending time with them. You can love spending time with yourself. You can love the companionship of having a dog, a cat or a bird, a good book. -or you can love spending time with groups of friends (eg cycling buddies, thanks Kevin Andrews-) you can’t always marry love. Or if you are lucky you can marry your love.
This ties into being happy- being resilient, knowing gratitude, and setting goals or being in the moment. These momentary awareness’s are can be missed or can be challenging. Sometimes the love we have for our children can be tested and strained, as with partners. It can happen with or without ADHD. We can help. We have private Life/ADHD coaching. We run Parent as Coach and our Couples program. Coaching is like Mindfulness, objective and non-judgmental. Connect with us, and re-connect with your love.
Photograph courtesy of Queensland State Library-Thank you
So many of my clients that I see in part of my work are presenting for coaching or to get an ADHD assessment in their adulthood. They have so many questions because the notion of having ADHD as an adult comes as such a shock.
Often an adult will present to the clinic for assessment because:
- they are struggling at work, study or at home and they or their loved ones have just had enough.
- they have sought some help and the medications prescribed by the GP have not helped, often medications for anxiety or depression.
- Their impulsive behaviours get them into lots of trouble, with friends (speaking before thinking and unintentionally insulting or offending someone) or financially (typically overspending or making bad financial decisions) or with their self-esteem (over eating).
- They just can’t get things done, they procrastinate and struggle to activate
- They get caught up in a lot of emotional behaviours -fighting with others, feelings being hurt more easily than others.
- They are tired of saying “Sorry” – for being late, for being disorganised, for forgetting the needs of others (or themselves), paying bills late regularly, not making plans.
- Sometimes they tell fibs- but not from a character flaw, but in a self-protective response (more of this in my next post).
Most of these things don’t sound like the ADHD that the general public think of as “ADHD”
If fact in the USA, the fastest demographic for ADHD diagnosis at the moment is for adult women.
Dr Ari Tuckman, a Psychologist in the US talks about four pillars of treatment for ADHD. They are education, medication, CBT (Cognitive Behaviour therapy) and Coaching.
Our coaching clients find enormous benefits in the “designed pause” that coaching gives them. Combined with our knowledge of ADHD we can help our clients find the right strategies for their situation. I firmly believe that coaching is a form of Mindfulness. Coaching is objective and non-judgmental. It gives us the opportunity to look at the current moment with curiosity and a new focus that is not tainted with a heavy emotional story- we just look at the facts, and the we look at where the ADHD traits are in the story. We can then create a new story, one that is realistic, accountable and positive, based on the things that are great (such as the character strengths) of our clients.
You are the most important person in your life. Without you, you have nothing. If you are newly diagnosed or an adult with a history of ADHD (and told you had grown out of it) then heed this message. The world of ADHD is a different world now. You don’t have to hide, be ashamed or be shy about it. There is help there, but better than that, understanding now. There are “Nay- sayers “about ADHD, their problem is their ignorance. Yep, I said it. People that have a problem with the existence of ADHD are ignorant of the neuroscience that is available. They probably also have problems with being judgmental too. And who are they to judge?
Be proud of your strengths, people with ADHD are frequently highly creative, fun to be with, often stand out from the crowd (think Will.I.am, Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Emma Watson, Michael Phelps, Lisa Ling (U.S. reporter) well known to be ADHD and public about it.
But it doesn’t matter who else is ADHD. The most important thing is that if you are ADHD, then you have an opportunity to work with the “glorious strengths” – as described by one of my clients; but also take into account where supports might be needed for the challenges (I never, ever, never say weaknesses).
ADHD or not, to be aware and be grateful for the moment that we are in, is what makes a great life even better. We can help you find that moment.
When our kids or any family member has ADHD or in their make-up, life can be challenging. It can be like a roller coaster of emotion. Effective management of ADHD can provide a positive turning point, both for the individual, family and the home environment. At Connect ADHD Coaching we help families focus on the right information, and the right strategies and the skill building that helps the family function better. Register on our website and for details of our upcoming online, 4-part Parent as Coach program. (See Parent as Coach Tab)
At Connect ADHD we specialize in ADHD and Executive function coaching. Executive skills are the skills we use to be successful in our environment. We use insights from current neuroscience and coaching skills to give parents and care-givers the knowledge and tools they need guide their child through the daily challenges faced. You can join anywhere from Australia or even overseas.
The program fee is $220 and runs weekly for 4 weeks.
Tuesday July 11
Tuesday July 18th
Tuesday July 25th
Tuesday August 1st.
Can’t make a session- don’t worry as all sessions will be recorded for those who register.
This program is an excellent opportunity to gain current, neuroscience based knowledge but also find community. This is your opportunity to ask questions and be heard, and to process strategies that fit in with you and your family. This is a small group session so places are limited.
Register now to ensure your place
We have a 10-month-old dog, Casper, who has taught me some GREAT lessons in Mindfulness and focused attention. At Connect ADHD Coaching we use mindfulness techniques in a number of way for our clients.
- Being more mindful and focusing where I hang (or used to hang) my $60 bra (the bra I used to have, before it was destroyed by said pooch)
- Noticing where I leave my sports socks and sneakers…the ones I used to own…. before being destroyed by….said pooch)
- Becoming non- judgmental about when “an incident” occurs…socks, shoes- at the end of the day, they are just material possessions.
- Objectivity is also getting some excellent practise; instead of old habits and processes running the routine I now look at the moment I am in now, and what the opportunities are moving forward.
- Being in the present moment of beauty and the joy it brings. Being amongst unconditional love and spontaneity. Being outdoors, breathing in fresh air, having fun, getting green time, not screen time. Noticing the beauty in a butterfly floating by (distracting the dog, distracting me), being totally in the current moment.
How do you find ways of being mindful?
Is ADHD the same as ADHD in kids? If so, then why are some adults not diagnosed until after they leave school?
If this is the case, then here are 10.5 things you can learn about ADHD. Now, notice I changed my terminology from “should “to “what you can”. In the first instance, I violated a personal rule when talking about ADHD in my capacity as an ADHD and EF coach. To me, “Should “is a dirty word. The “S” word in fact. “Can” is far more enlightening and much less associated with guilt. So, from now on, no more “shoulding”.
- ADHD is not just in kids, not just in boys- many adults are quite shocked when they are finally diagnosed, particularly women.( See our website for our thoughts on this http://www.connectadhd.com/uncategorized/adhd-is-just-in-kidsright/)
- Find a practitioner who actually knows about ADHD, sees ADHD clients and actively keeps up to date with the condition. If you practitioner says “it’s not ADHD, your too old” head out the door and don’t look back, move forward. Refer them to our website.
- Be heard, it is your experience. Talk to someone who knows and understands the condition. If those around you don’t understand, know that your experience and feelings are real, not just an “ADHD moment”. Once we understand the reason, we can do something about it. Once they understand, they can hopefully understand you better.
- Be proud of your strengths, people with ADHD are frequently highly creative, fun to be with, often stand out from the crowd (think Will.I.am, Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Emma Watson ,Michael Phelps, Lisa Ling (U.S. reporter) well known to be ADHD and public about it.
- Use supports systems and strategies that address what challenges you (notice I didn’t say “weakness” – another dirty word in my ADHD dictionary). If you had poor vision, you would get glasses…if you have ADHD there are accommodations that can help.
- ADHD Coaching can change your current habits and be a turning point to move forwards. If there is ADHD or executive function (EF) challenges, ensure you get help from a coach that has been trained specifically in ADHD coaching. Ask for where your ADHD coach has trained. It should be an academy/institution associated with the ICF (International Coach Federation) or PAAC (Professional ADHD Coach) association. Find someone you like and trust. Someone that not only hears what you say, but listens also.
- Mindfulness– too much to say, contact us and we can explain!
- Stay positive- you may have had your fair share of negative feedback in the past. It might still be happening. People with ADHD are often “people-pleasers” for this very reason. They may crave positive feedback. Finding your strengths (and dusting them off, and giving them a polish if they have been buried for a while) will give you the very tools you need to move forward in a positive way. As I tell my clients, “whatever has happened in the past is just good information” …it’s true.
- Be advised by your doctor if medication is right for you. Dopamine availability is a key factor in the treatment of ADHD. Do not be afraid. Be careful. Be informed. Be open. Don’t be scared by misinformation. If you were diabetic, you might need insulin. If you are ADHD, you may well need medications. There are stimulants AND non-stimulant treatment available. It’s all about balance.
- And 10.5- This one is so big, it’s the 1.5. You are the most important person in your life. Without you, you have nothing. If you are newly diagnosed or an adult with a history of ADHD (and told you had grown out of it) then heed this message. The world of ADHD is a different world now. You don’t have to hide, be ashamed or be shy about it. There is help there, but better than that, understanding now. There are “Nay- sayers “about ADHD, their problem is their ignorance.Find your community. Coming soon in 2017 we are starting a Facebook community called Connect ADHD .
We have relaunched our website! Leave a comment on this post. What do you think? What is your experience with ADHD? Did you like this post and was it helpful? Do you have anything to ADD (!) Let me know.